Today is an emotional day, well I guess no different for me than any other day actually. Everyday I wake up blessed to have another day. Everyday I wake up I know I have a choice, I can face my fears of my Eating Disorder, restriction, purging, laxative behaviors or I can cave and let ED take over as he has done so many times before. This day is especially emotional, 2 years ago I laid on my living room couch barely able to move my arms and legs, starved and refusing any water or food at all. My face was so caved in and my eyes looked huge. I could barely talk and it hurt, it hurt to lay, it hurt to move. I had visitors come throughout the day to say good bye because at 4:00pm I would be carried into the car and with my mom and husband headed to residential treatment once again but this time seemed like it could be the last time. My body was shutting down and all I really remember from the 7 hour drive was so badly wanting water but my ED said no it would make me fat. We drove until we got to Anderson, Indiana to a hotel where we would sleep until we had to be up to go to Selah house for admission at 8am. I remember waking up barely able to walk and watching as my mom and husband drank coffee from the breakfast area at the hotel. I so wanted that coffee, I was so thirsty. We loaded up the car and off we went. When we got to Selah I saw my family for maybe 20 min then they had a therapy session and I was taken for admission. I remember sitting at a big table and signing myself in. I remember not even being able to cry because I was so weak. I remember looking back at my mom and she said “you can do this, please don’t die on me. I need you.” After I left the building I was escorted to a nurses station were I had to get into a gown and get vitals, lab work and answer a ton of questions. In the afternoon I was told my labs came back very alarming and I was rushed to the ER. When I got there I just remember it being so cold and white. They took me into a trauma room where I laid for the next couple hours until they could stabilize my potassium and vitals enough to go to a room on one of the floors. I stayed over night and since I was going back to treatment they only kept me that one night. I was all alone in a state I had never been to in a hospital I didn’t know anything about all by myself. I remember them asking what I wanted to eat and I so badly wanted graham crackers but I couldn’t get the words out of my mouth so I said nothing. I was hooked to an IV and heart monitor all night. In the morning I went back to the treatment center and started my recovery journey. I spent the next 3 months there doing things I didn’t want to, eating foods I didn’t want to eat and making friendships I never wanted to make. I was discharged in late October but my journey was far from over. I did well for a few months then slowly declined once again and ended up in the Cleveland Clinic for 2 months and then another treatment facility in March-May. As of today August 20, 2020 I am doing very well. It took me awhile but I finally reached a healthy weight (which I hate) and I am running, doing CrossFit, working full time and eating. I have officially not had any behaviors at all in 82 days. It’s hard, everyday is hard and some days it seems to get harder not easier but I’m doing it. One bite, one meal, at a time. 2 years ago the Drs told me I was going to die, the dr stood at the foot of my hospital bed and told me they could do no more. Well, here I am, I guess I proved them wrong and I’ll continue to try to prove them wrong every…single….day.